Overcoming the Fear of Abandonment by Choosing YOU
Overcoming the Fear of Abandonment by Choosing YOU.
It was a Thursday afternoon, and I was on a podcast with two other people. The conversation was good, really good, but technical difficulties kept slowing us down. We had to start over a couple of times, and as the time for the interview was coming to an end, I felt it.
That familiar anxious part of me started to stir in the back of my mind.
That part of me wanted to make sure everyone was happy with me so they wouldn’t be disappointed or frustrated. That part of me used to run my life, causing me to people-please, sacrifice my own needs, and shape-shift into whatever I thought others wanted me to be in order to feel a sense of acceptance and belonging.
And then the moment of decision came.
I know the hosts would like me to go longer than the time we had planned but, I had made plans to stop by my favorite fish and chips food truck and take a brief swim in the ocean before my afternoon calls. And in that moment, I could have canceled those plans. I could have abandoned myself in favor of making sure everyone else was satisfied.
But I didn’t.
I took my microphone off mute and told the host I had a firm cut-off at the top of the hour. I didn’t explain why. But the way I said it made it sound like I had an important client call or a meeting that couldn’t be moved.
And you know what? That meeting was with me!
Because showing up for myself was just as important as showing up for anyone else.
Fear of abandonment starts with past pain, but you can change the pattern for a better future.
If you struggle with anxious attachment, the fear of abandonment might feel like something that’s always been there.
Maybe when you were young, there was a moment when you needed someone emotionally, but they weren’t there. Maybe it was one big moment, like your parents divorcing, a friend suddenly cutting you off, or a breakup that shook your sense of security.
Or maybe it was a series of small moments, times when you felt invisible in the hustle of a busy household, times when friendships felt conditional, times when love felt like something you had to earn by being perfect.
At some point, your brain created rules to help you survive that feeling of loss.
Love has to be earned.
I have to be perfect in order to be loved.
If I don’t get everything right, everyone will leave.
Sound familiar?
The problem is, these subconscious beliefs don’t just shape how you see relationships, they shape how you act in them.
The more you fear abandonment, the more likely you are to abandon yourself.
When you’re afraid others will leave, your instinct is to do everything possible to make them stay.
And that often looks like abandoning yourself first.
Saying "yes" when you really mean "no" just to avoid conflict.
Shrinking yourself to be more likable.
Putting others’ needs before your own to earn approval.
Over-explaining, over-apologizing, or working overtime to keep the peace.
If you constantly silence your own needs to keep others close, you are reinforcing your deepest fear, that you are only worthy of love if you are what someone else wants you to be.
Healing begins when you choose not to abandon yourself.
The truth is, overcoming the fear of abandonment isn’t about making sure no one ever leaves you. It’s about knowing that no matter what happens, you will not leave yourself.
This month, I want to challenge you. Make plans with yourself and actually keep them.
When you follow through on commitments to yourself, you send a powerful message to your subconscious.
"I am worthy of time, love, and attention, no matter what anyone else does."
3 ways to stop abandoning yourself and start choosing you everyday:
1. Keep Small Promises to Yourself
Trust is built through consistency. If you constantly cancel on yourself, you’re reinforcing the belief that your needs don’t matter.
Try this. Pick one thing you enjoy doing alone, reading for 15 minutes, going on a walk, journaling, cooking a meal just for you. Set a time for it and follow through.
2. Speak Up for Your Needs, Even When It’s Uncomfortable
If you struggle with the fear of abandonment, you might avoid advocating for yourself because you don’t want to push people away. But secure relationships are built on honest communication, not silent resentment.
Try this. The next time you catch yourself saying, "It’s fine," when it’s really not fine, pause. Ask yourself, "What do I actually need here?" Then express it, even if it’s just a small request.
3. Validate Your Own Feelings Before Seeking External Reassurance
The need for external validation often comes from not feeling emotionally safe within yourself. Learning to self-soothe makes you less dependent on others for emotional security.
Try this. When anxiety creeps in, instead of reaching for your phone to text for reassurance, take a deep breath and say to yourself, "I hear you. I know this feeling is real. And I’ve got you."
The most secure thing you can do is stay with yourself.
If you want to feel secure in your relationships, you have to start by being secure in your relationship with yourself.
So today, I invite you to take one step toward choosing yourself. What’s one way you will show up for yourself this week?
Want to take it a step further? Let’s dive deeper together!
1️⃣ Check out my Free Training: The 4 Essential Elements to Healing Insecurity
If you’re ready to start breaking free from anxious patterns, this free training will walk you through the exact steps to build secure attachment and confidence.
2️⃣ Join the Secure Self Club & build confidence over the next 120 days
If you’re ready for effective and structured support, expert coaching, and a like-minded community, Secure Self Club is the next step to help you heal your anxious attachment, become more secure and confident in yourself, and be happier in your relationship with yourself and others.
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Join Secure Self Club today
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You are worth showing up for. Period.
Fear of abandonment loses its grip when you stop abandoning yourself first. So go make plans with yourself. And keep them.
You deserve it.
