Why is it SO terrifying when they go silent!?

You know the drill. You’ve asked them a question, or sent them a message, or called their phone. No response. At first, it might be easy to shrug it off. Perhaps they’re just busy? They didn’t hear you, maybe? Maybe they haven’t noticed you reaching out?

But as the moments tick by, a feeling starts to grow from somewhere deep in your chest. Your heart rate may start to pick up as thoughts you have no control over begin to creep into your awareness.

What if they’re ignoring me?

You try to ignore the notion. After all, you do have a tendency of jumping to conclusions about this stuff! And there’s usually nothing wrong… right? But what if this time, you’re onto something? What if this time they’re quiet because something is very wrong? What if you’re picking up on vibes that spell doom for your relationship? Surely, in that case, you should do something about it, right? Right!?

The words are out before you even have a chance to second-guess them:

“Are you mad at me?”

Whether out loud, or delivered through text, you know that the phrase isn’t going to make things better. But without other tools at your disposal, and anxiety raging inside, you don’t feel like you have any other choice. And it certainly feels like they’re mad at you, so why wouldn’t you ask?

But before you say anything else to them, let’s dig in and figure this out, shall we?

Why This Happens

If this story sounds a little too familiar, you might be struggling with anxious attachment.

Anxious attachment is one of four ways that psychology describes how we relate in romantic relationships. For those of us who act anxiously in relationships as a default, we exist in a state of hyper-vigilance and exhibit clingy behavior that ultimately pushes away the very folks we’re trying to get close to. It’s painful, embarrassing, and can feel downright impossible to find our way out of.

We learned at a very young age that closeness isn’t reliably available to us, so we had better pay attention in case it starts to slip away! Love felt safe and wonderful when it was available, and liable to disappear into thin air if we didn’t watch it closely.

THIS is why it’s so terrifying when your loved one goes silent on you.

You’ve spent a lifetime learning that the best way to keep love from slipping away is to monitor it for signs of disappearing. Your internal alarms are literally PRIMED to notice when things feel off or when distance threatens the closeness you’ve come to enjoy with someone.

So in a scenario where a loved one is being a bit distant, we hear SIRENS when other people might not even notice! If your significant other is too busy to text back, not paying attention when you talk, or simply unavailable at a time when you feel the need for love or attention… our nervous system launches a full scale emergency.

It’s all hands on deck, and the words or texts start flying out of your control.

Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be like this! There’s actually a ton that we can do to get a handle on our nerves and keep those anxious words from demolishing our most treasured relationships.

So, without further ado, here are some tried-and-true tips, based on how more secure folks handle this scenario.

What To Do

Take a Pause

In anything that we do (but especially when communicating with loved ones), it can be helpful to check in with ourselves before we speak up or text from a fearful place. When you see someone who seems especially secure and grounded in their romantic life, you might be surprised to learn that they probably still FEEL fear and uncertainty from time to time. However, their superpower is that they don’t automatically act upon those fearful thoughts and feelings.

They are able to take a pause, notice that they’re feeling something big, and then CHOOSE their response carefully. They may even put some extra space between the feeling and their choice by taking a walk to calm down, journaling out their thoughts before they unleash on their partner, or even just sitting with the feeling long enough for it to lose some of its intensity.

Look at the Bigger Picture

Is your partner constantly shutting down or disappearing? Is this a pattern that hurts for you, or is this a relatively rare event that you may be blowing out of proportion?

Taking a moment to step back and look at the bigger picture can be very helpful. If this is a moment of distance from a partner who is usually consistently there for you, you might challenge yourself to give them a little bit of grace. It’s normal to occasionally need some space or time to process (or to simply be in a bad mood every now and then!)

However, if this silence or distance is constant and predictable, it might be worth speaking up about. The next tip can help you find words that will be more effective in the long run.

Communicate More Vulnerably

By jumping quickly to “Are you mad at me?” you assumed that there was a problem, and that YOU were it! This isn’t the first place that secure hearts go. Surely, there are many, MANY reasons why someone may be quiet or distant. They might be busy, distracted, or upset… but none of these scenarios necessarily mean that you’ve done something wrong.

Instead of assuming that there’s a problem, ask without any assumptions:

“Hey, you seem quiet. Anything going on that you’d like to talk about?”

And if their silence or distancing is a common problem you have with them, a more secure way to speak up would be to communicate your feelings from a place of genuine vulnerability:

“Hey, when you disappear or shut down, I feel really alone.”

(I have a great reel on this right here)

Make a Request

This is an excellent way to reclaim some of the power that you may have given up in your relationship. Instead of cowering at their feet, staying small, and hoping that you aren’t upsetting them… make a request!

Whether your request is for them to speak up when they’re feeling off about something, or even for an extra date night, it’s actually very secure and sometimes a HUGE relief to our partners when we can talk about the things that we need within our relationship.

“I’d love to hang out tonight. I’ve been missing our chats lately!”

There’s security in learning how to advocate for our feelings and needs, no matter what someone else’s response is. This is the kind of security that partners are magnetically drawn to, and it’s also something we can hold onto no matter what our relationship status is.

Want to Learn More?

Join us this month for the Secure Love Summit, a brand-new, free 5-day online event hosted by renowned therapist and coach Trevor Hanson and featuring 10 of the world’s leading relationship experts — including Mark Groves, Rikki Cloos, Jimmy Knowles, and more.

Whether you're single and seeking a secure relationship or already partnered and looking to deepen connection, this live summit will give you the tools, guidance, and proven strategies to:

• Navigate conflict without spiraling

• Build emotional safety and trust

• Heal from relational trauma and anxious patterns

• Understand your nervous system and triggers

• Cultivate a truly secure attachment

• Rebuild love after trust has been broken

What You’ll Get When You Register:

• Live access to expert interviews and Q&As

• Bonus resources to help you apply what you learn

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This is a one-time event packed with insight and support from top minds in attachment theory, trauma healing, and conscious relationship work. Don’t miss it.

Save your seat now and take your next step toward a secure, connected, and empowered love life.

Want to Learn More?

Meet others working toward security in love: Join the Secure Self Club

If you’re ready to stop living in fear and finally build a secure, confident mindset in 120 days, Secure Self Club is the next step.

Inside, you’ll get:

• Personalized coaching & expert guidance

• Proven strategies to break free from anxious patterns

• A supportive community of like-minded people

Join the Secure Self Club today.

3 Ways to Keep Exploring This:

• Free seminar: Get to the root of any crossed wire with my free Relationship Rescue Workshop CHECK IT OUT HERE

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