You might feel like you try every day to get them to open up to you, to talk to you about the relationship, or even just to answer simple questions.

And every time, without fail, their mouth shuts faster than a toddler trying to avoid a spoonful of broccoli.

You’re understandably frustrated! You might even have the internet convincing you that labeling them is the answer. You’ve read articles on how they might be avoidantly attached, a commitment-phobic, or even a narcissist.

But here’s an unpleasant truth that the internet isn’t telling you:

There are things that you might be doing or saying that can shut your partner down.

In anxious attachment, we feel our unmet needs and/or fears with a particular urgency that sometimes prevents us from bringing issues up in the most calm, effective way. Because of this, we sometimes lead with panic, or even worse: criticism.

Criticism

It’s easy to feel like criticizing your partner is the only way to get what you need. After all, you may have tried hinting, or talked about wanting something a million times to no avail! When these quiet, more subtle ways aren’t working, our feelings of fear and lack start feeling BIG. That’s when our brain tells us that we might need to get bigger and louder so that they can hear us. (It’s also when our brain starts to tell us that they might be the problem…)

Asking for our needs with criticism sounds like this:

“You never spend time with me!”

“Do you even want to be in a relationship with me?”

“You always make plans with your friends but never me.”

“Is it really so hard to send me a sweet text every now and then?”

These critical ways of talking about our needs might feel good in the moment. They bubble up out of us, propelled like lava exploding from inside a volcano of resentment. You might even think to yourself: “Now they’ll hear me! I’m being CRYSTAL CLEAR about what’s wrong.”

But another hard truth is this: criticism actually makes it HARDER for our partner to hear our needs.

If this comes as a shock, don’t worry, you aren’t alone. Almost everyone does this! It seems like our default is to get big, loud, and critical when we feel a chronic lack of needs being met. You might even say that it’s how humans are wired! But just because it comes naturally to us doesn’t mean it’s an effective way to change the situation.

One problem with criticism is that it doesn’t provide the other person with a solution on how to solve your problems or fulfill your needs. But the bigger problem? It fills them with shame and defensiveness that makes it impossible for them to actually hear what you’re really trying to communicate about.

Instead of pointing out what’s wrong, try asking them for what you need in a kind, genuine manner. This is going to sound like an “I” statement with a vulnerable admission of a difficult emotion. It might also include a direct request. Like this:

“I’ve been feeling lonely lately. Like, really lonely! I miss you. I was thinking we could get dinner tonight and just talk about how the week is going. What do you think?”

Remember, sometimes you think you’re communicating and asserting your needs, but you’re really just criticizing them and THAT’S why they can’t hear you.

Are They Shutting Down Because It Feels Unsafe To Share?

Here’s the second pitfall us anxious folks often fall into: inadvertently making it feel unsafe for our partners to respond to our questions or requests.

We might tell our partner things like:

“Just talk to me!” or “I want to know how you really feel.” or “Can you please open up to me about this?”

And as soon as the words leave their mouth, your reaction is… really hard for them to cope with.

I’ve certainly been guilty of this in the past. I’d ask my partner to open up and then find the things she’d say to me were REALLY upsetting! At my most anxious, I might find myself getting incredibly defensive or even raising my voice. For some people, this is when the tears start flowing or the accusations begin to fly.

At that moment, I was flashing a big red sign that read: “If you speak, you will be punished!”

Naturally, they’d stop talking or run for the hills--which we all know isn’t good for either person or the relationship.

While all of those reactions might make sense, they don’t exactly encourage our partner to open up. In fact, it might make our partner wish they’d stayed inside their shell…

So what can we do instead?

The Techniques for Being A Safe Person to Open Up To

Be a stable container. It takes a bit of practice, but one of the very best things we can do is try to stay grounded when our partner is sharing something difficult for us to receive. Don’t interrupt and don’t explode. Try to receive their words with calm; this shows them that you are strong enough to handle their truth, which encourages them to open up even more.

Next, fight the urge to defend yourself right away.

It’s natural to want to justify yourself or your actions. You might also feel the need to correct them or point out the flaws in their argument or perspective. Don’t do this! Remember that what they share is THEIR EXPERIENCE and what you’re looking for are the emotions behind that share.

A third great practice is active listening. This is where we show them that we REALLY heard what they shared with us. You can do this by repeating back what they said (but in your own words.) This sounds like:

“Ok, what I heard you say was that you’re feeling ______ because of _______… did I get that right?”

This both slows the conversation down a bit (so you have time to process, too!) and shows them that you really heard them.

Both of which encourage even MORE opening up.

What if I need more help with this!?

Don’t worry, I got you. Tons of people need help learning how to be a safe partner to open up to. But you’re in the right place, because that’s exactly what I do. Let me point you toward my “Lost in Translation” Workshop where you can learn the exact framework to become the kind of person they WANT to open up to.

Get access to the workshop here.

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