As a therapist and relationship coach, I hear a LOT of relationship advice. And I’ve got to be honest with you, some of it makes me cringe. As someone who LOVES relationships, I don’t want you to fall victim to some of the internet’s worst relationship advice! I know you’re probably innocently cruising your social media feed, trying to soak up all of the content that will make you into a healthy, happy partner, and inadvertently getting slapped with statements like:

“Never go to bed angry.”

“Communication is everything!”

And the always-popular: “Happy wife, happy life!”

But how do you parse the good from the cringey, the helpful from the hurtful, the totally awesome from the terribly toxic?

I’m here to help.

Today we’re going to cover some of my most (and least!) favorite relationship advice from the internet. For each one, I’ll explain exactly how good or bad it is, and why.

And finally, I’ll give you a way to REALLY dive into my very favorite piece of advice. After all, it’s one of the values I’ve built an entire community around!

“Never Go To Bed Angry.”

This classic relationship advice may have originated in the Bible! In the New Testament, you can find a line in the book of Ephesians (4:26) which reads: “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun set on your anger.” When said in a more modern fashion, this sounds like: “Never go to bed angry!” and it’s some of the most popular and ubiquitous relationship and marriage advice out there.

But, if this is such great advice, why is it so HARD to do!?

When we’re tired, our brain’s ability to regulate our emotions goes DOWN. We’re more likely to react poorly, lack flexibility, and get wound up in a negative spiral of thoughts that don’t help the situation. Basically, our problem-solving brain is just plain tired.

Things like logic, empathy, and critical thinking are our best tools in an argument, and we’re just not as good at these things when our brain is ready for bed.

So what’s a loving couple to do!?

There’s an amazing article by the Gottman Institute--which has been studying relationship health for over 40 years!--called, “It’s Okay to Go to Bed Angry.” It’s a good little article, but if you want the gist of it, I’ll spoil the ending: couples who wait until they are calm, regulated, and not totally overwhelmed by their emotions are just better at resolving conflict with each other. Period.

And if that means you have to resume the conversation in the morning, it’s certainly better than fighting all night long!

“Happy wife, happy life!”

It rhymes, it rolls off the tongue, and at face value, it seems like great advice! But is it?

For sure, it’s a wonderful idea for us guys to work hard to make the special woman in our life happy. In fact, in a healthy relationship, a man who is very focused on the happiness of his wife is doing his relationship a big favor! I can tell you as a husband, it feels wonderful making my wife Elise happy. So what could be wrong with this common relationship quip?

It leaves one partner completely out of the equation!

If a man’s entire focus is on the happiness of his wife, he may find himself regularly doing or saying things that don’t work for both partners. He may be giving too much when he’s exhausted or his heart isn’t in it. After years of sacrifice and ignoring his own needs, resentment can build up and the relationship will crumble like a house of cards.

A healthy relationship requires BOTH people to be equally invested in each other’s happiness.

I’ll give half points to this popular piece of advice, only because it’s such a beautiful thing to make a wife feel happy. It definitely doesn’t tell the whole story though. Make sure that you’re not leaving one partner in the dust in the process!

“Communication is everything!”

Undoubtedly, communication is very important to a healthy relationship. But is it everything?

As a therapist, I’ve spent untold hours sitting with couples and helping them communicate. I’ve seen the awful effects that poor communication can have on marriage, too. However, this is another piece of advice that I’m only going to give half points for.

I hate to say it, but communication isn’t everything. It’s important, yes! But communication alone won’t fix or save a relationship.

Without emotional regulation, even the BEST words will fall flat. Have you ever tried to say the right thing, but found that your tone completely ruined it? Anger, sadness, resentment, and the like can creep into our words even if we say exactly what our partner needs to hear.

And who can find the right words when they’re feeling overwhelmed by emotion, anyway!?

“You have to love yourself first if you want to love someone else.”

This is actually one of my very favorite pieces of relationship advice.

Sometimes credited to philosopher Leo Buscaglia (“To love others you must first love yourself”) this may sound hard to do, but self-love is where our ability to love others begins!

Without self-love, our ability to be healthy in a relationship is severely hindered.

We can’t set healthy boundaries without self-love. For example, an individual lacking self-love is likely to over-give, fall into people-pleasing behaviors, and get defensive when difficult issues arise.

Self-love allows us to BE the kind of partner that others can get close to and rely on. With self-love, you can ask for what you need. You can be vulnerable about your desires and what bothers you, which fosters deep knowing and intimacy. And self-love is also the foundation where SECURE ATTACHMENT comes from!

If this sounds like something you’d like help with, you’re in the right place, because helping people become securely attached is exactly what I do. I created the Secure Self Club to help people learn to love themselves so that they can love others well, too! In it, we help you go from anxiously attached to secure in just 4 months, or you don’t pay! You’ll walk away with clarity on what your next step should be, no matter what.

So if you want to stop falling for bad relationship advice, become secure, and actually enjoy your love life, book a free call with us to learn how. Our community and relationship coaches are full of the kind of advice that makes your relationship feel BETTER, not worse.

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