Picture this: your partner just got done with work. It’s finally your opportunity to talk to them about something that’s been bothering you all day. You gather up all your courage and start to speak from the heart, when suddenly… BAM! They shut down. Maybe they get really quiet, or maybe they’re loud and defensive instead. The fight is on and you can feel them pulling away.

You’re frustrated, lonely, discouraged, and asking yourself:

“Why is it like this every time I try to talk to them!?”

At the root of these repeating, destructive arguments is a phenomenon that top relationship experts have discovered called “the negative cycle.”

You might feel stuck in this dysfunctional dance with your partner. Every new fight seems to cause more emotional disconnection, distance, and destruction.

But it doesn’t have to be like this. Today, we’re going to talk about what the negative cycle is, and what you can do to break the cycle and get back to feeling secure and close to the person who means the most to you.

Components of the Negative Cycle

It almost feels like you’re stuck in a loop. If your fights feel familiar, like you’re having the same fights over the same things in the same exact way every day… it might be because you are! Negative cycle fights follow a predictable pattern that goes something like this:

You start with a trigger. This is some situation, event, thought, or feeling that gets the ball rolling. Maybe they forgot to call you? Maybe they left their clothes all over the floor? Maybe your sister’s partner took her out on a really fabulous date and you wish your relationship looked like that? Or maybe their text message reply was just a bit too short!? This can be almost anything that brings up uncomfortable feelings inside.

Next, you have a negative interaction. Think of this like you and your partner are flying on autopilot. Your words and behaviors here aren’t intentional or well thought out, you’re just reacting blindly. This might be when you start criticizing them, or they start defending themselves instead of listening, or one person is reaching for the door handle while the other complains that the two of you never talk.

Next, escalation. Voices get raised. Insults get more personal. Old stuff gets brought up. Everything gets more intense as emotions flare, dumping fuel on the fire.

Last, shutdown/distancing. You can fight forever! At some point, one of you will either get quiet and shut down or refuse to keep talking, OR someone will grab their coat and take some space. This is when both partners wind up feeling disconnected and misunderstood.

You might even worry that your relationship is over.

Eventually, everyone calms down a bit. The distancing partner comes back. Maybe the two of you will talk things over, but maybe it gets swept under the rug and you both just pretend that everything is OK?

Until the next fight…

You understand how the negative cycle plays out, so why does this keep happening!?

Understanding the Negative Cycle

You know how the negative cycle plays out, but that isn’t enough to keep it from happening over and over again. The next step is to understand more about WHY the negative cycle happens and how you and your partner are contributing to it.

The most important thing to know is that the negative cycle is driven by unmet attachment needs.

These are needs that both you and your partner have to feel “safe, seen, soothed, and secure.” This framework from Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson describes feelings that everyone needs within their romantic relationship in order to feel good about it.

If any of these vital needs go unmet, that’s when those unpleasant feelings start bubbling up inside of us and we feel motivated to do something about it.

Unfortunately, because they don’t have healthier tools available to them, most people default to negative, hurtful behaviors to fix the problem.

A criticism is really a cry for behavior change. Sometimes partners start fights when really, they just want to feel closer and see that their partner cares. Controlling words or behavior can come from partners who are desperate to feel safe.

We’re all honestly trying; it’s just that some of the strategies we use aren’t getting us anywhere!

So what can you do to stop this awful pattern in its tracks?

Tools for Stopping The Negative Cycle

As a marriage & family therapist and relationship coach, I work with individuals and couples every day to help them out of the negative cycles that are hurting their relationship.

First, being able to recognize your negative cycle can go a long way toward stopping it before things get intense. Learn to identify your specific cycle. Maybe there are key phrases that you or your partner say that signal a fight is about to start? Or certain emotions that seem to always rile you or your partner up? You might even identify triggering places or events; for example I have a friend who noticed that she and her partner would always get into fights on the drive over to his parent’s house.

This is where you want to slow down.

Pause before you give in to the urge to attack or run away.

This is also a great place to remind yourself that these thoughts, feelings, and urges actually have good intentions. They were designed to PROTECT the relationships that we cherish the most, not destroy them!

My friend Rikki Cloos, a relationship writer who studies communication, has a phrase that she and her husband use whenever they notice tensions getting high and a fight brewing:

“Babe… I think we’re doing that thing again!” It’s their signal to take a pause and calm down before either one of them says something they’ll regret.

The phrase acts as a “time out” to keep their arguments from escalating. It’s a cool communication skill that she picked up during her studies!

But communication skills alone won’t stop your fights--especially if the battles are being driven by old, deep-down wounds that aren’t being addressed. Real change only happens when you heal the underlying fears and insecurities that keep fueling your conflicts. Your (or your partner’s) insecurities are like burning embers inside that spark the fire of conflict even when you’re both trying your best.

Ok, I know more about my negative cycle… but I need more help!

Trust me when I say that this is not something you can do overnight.

Learning to identify our negative cycle, slow down, figure out where it’s coming from, and redirect as a couple takes skills and a lot of practice to master.

But you don’t need to figure this out on your own.

In fact, you’re in the right place, because that’s exactly what I do. Let me point you toward my FREE seminar that teaches you the 4 essential elements to healing the root fears and insecurity of anxious attachment. It’s called “From Anxious to Secure” and goes more in-depth for real, lasting change.

Get access here.

Join my email list for periodic tools on liberating anxious patterns from the inside out - delivered right to your inbox! JOIN HERE