What do a tiger and a narcissist have in common?

More than you would think. They are both predators, and they both pick their prey in exactly the same way. A tiger does not charge the strongest animal in the herd.

It goes after the easiest target: the gazelle that looks more vulnerable, weaker, and easier to prey upon. It reads signals, and it chooses whichever animal costs it the least amount of effort.

A narcissist hunts the same way. He is not drawn to the most secure woman in the room. Why would he be? She will hold her ground. She will push back. None of his manipulative tactics will work on her. She is far too much work.

What he is looking for is a woman sending a different set of signals. Signals that sound like "I let things slide. I won't ask for too much. I don't really trust my own judgment." Women with an anxious attachment style send those signals constantly, and have no idea they are doing it.

So the key to repelling the narcissist and attracting the good guys is learning how to change what signals you put off.

Let me explain what that actually looks like…

Are you accidentally advertising that you are an easy target?

You might be sending subtle signals to the narcissist that you are exactly what they are looking for, without ever knowing you are doing it.

These are the things that attract him:

• When you people-please.

• When you over-apologise for things that were never your fault.

• When you are overly agreeable.

• When you bend over backwards and rearrange your schedule for him at the expense of the people you love.

• When you do not set or hold your boundaries.

• When you give him everything and demand very little in return.

All of it tells him one thing: You are easy to control and easy to manipulate.

And a man who wants control, who already has a tendency to manipulate, is going to be drawn to exactly those behaviours.

Is this your fault?

No, but it is your responsibility. You do not consciously choose to send any of those signals.

Somewhere along the way you learned that being agreeable kept you safe, that asking for things risked losing people, and that your own judgment was not something to rely on.

But unlike the gazelle, you get to change what you are broadcasting.

Here are three behaviours that will keep you safe from the narcissist and take you off the menu.

One: stop people-pleasing

I know it is easier said than done, but you must find a way to stop people-pleasing.

Here is why this is so important. You cannot switch this on inside romantic relationships and leave it switched off everywhere else. It has to become an actual pattern in how you behave.

The pattern I see most often is that women who attract one narcissist after another are saying yes far more often than they mean it. They say yes when they want to say no. They cancel their own plans to keep somebody else comfortable.

People pleasers default to compliance, and compliance is exactly what he wants.

Why does he want it so badly? Because a narcissist is deeply insecure. He constantly feels out of control and out of place, so he will seek to control you!

Two: stop apologising when nothing needs an apology

If you say sorry for things that need no apology, you are telling everyone around you that you have very little authority over your own life. And the manipulator hears this loud and clear.

In family therapy there is an approach called structural family therapy, that studies how power dynamics play out in a family. Those same power dynamics exist in every relationship you have.

Even the cashier at your coffee shop has the power to hold your latte until you pay.

When you apologise for something that needed no apology, you are losing a little authority and a little power every single time you do it.

The narcissist will see this as his opportunity to take power away from you.

What do you say instead?

Replace the unnecessary apology with "thank you", and watch what it does.

You are returning six things and cannot find the receipt.

It's not: "sorry, I know this is a nightmare."
It is: "thank you so much for your patience."

A coworker drives your laptop charger over.

It's not: "I'm so sorry you had to do that."
It is: "thank you for going out of your way."

Same warmth and the same manners, but a completely different message about who you are.

“Sorry” says you are an inconvenience, while “thank you” is an acknowledgement that you deserve to take up space.

One of those puts you underneath the person you are speaking to, but the other puts you beside them.

Three: keep friends who have healthy relationships

We all have that one couple we know who have an amazing relationship. The kind you look at and think, "one day maybe I can have that." If you do not have friends like that, who model what healthy looks like, make it a goal to find some and then keep them informed on what is happening in your dating life.

A narcissist will always work to isolate you, because he needs to keep you away from people who will help you see the reality of his manipulation. Once you are isolated, the gaslighting really takes hold, and you begin to believe you are the problem.

Friends in healthy relationships work like reality checkers. They see the manipulation you cannot see, and they get you out faster. But it only works if two things happen.

1. Ask your friend directly whether they are willing to play the role of reality checker for you.

2. Hold the boundary that nobody gets to interfere with that friendship.

He will feel threatened by the friendship and will find your friends to be infuriating and as long as you hold your boundaries, he will lose interest in pursuing you. Which is a good thing!

On the other hand, the men you want in your life will find it attractive that you have friends like this! Yeah babyyyy!!!

The one change that matters more than all three

As helpful as those three points we have made so far are, they can only take you so far.

So what is the real key to avoiding narcissists?

If I could put narcissist repellent in a can, the first ingredient on the label would read "secure attachment". If you really want to date healthy partners, you have to become healthy yourself. You have to overcome anxious attachment and become securely attached.

A woman with an anxious attachment style is quietly run by fear.

Fear of rejection, of abandonment, of not being enough, of not being chosen.

She protects herself by people-pleasing, by over-apologising, by taking the blame, and by ignoring red flags early because she wants connection so badly.

A securely attached woman believes she is already enough, knows that love is not scarce, and is genuinely alright on her own. She naturally says thank you instead of apologising.

She sets and keeps her boundaries without even thinking about it. And she naturally sends off the signals that repel unhealthy partners and attract healthy ones.

That woman is terrifying to a narcissist and deeply attractive to the man you actually want.

Where do you start?

If you have tried books and podcasts and therapy, and none of it has transformed you into that securely attached person, it does not mean there is something fundamentally broken inside of you. While books, podcasts, and therapy can all be helpful, there is probably just something missing from the methods you are currently using.

I have recorded a 15-minute training you can watch for free today that will teach you the exact steps you need to take to go from anxiously attached to securely attached. In that same training, I am going to show you the most common mistakes people are unknowingly making when they try to become secure.

Go here to watch the training.

Secure Self Club

In case you didn’t know, I help people with an anxious attachment style become securely attached in just a few short months inside the Secure Self Club. It’s our 16 week program designed to help you rewire your nervous system so you can feel more grounded, confident, secure, and self trusting.

To learn more about the Secure Self Club go here to book a call with a member of my team.

Join my email list for periodic tools on liberating anxious patterns from the inside out - delivered right to your inbox! JOIN HERE