Have you ever been so hooked on them that you lose your appetite for life? Almost like life becomes a series of obstacles that you navigate simply so that you can be close to them again? I understand that feeling. I felt totally nuts. Sometimes I even felt creepy.

And then to make matters worse, sometimes I couldn’t even figure out if the connection was real or if I was imagining things and blowing it all out of proportion!?

The “What are we?” push/pull had me checking my phone every five minutes and asking yourself:

“Why is it like this every time I fall in love!?”

Why are you chasing them like you’re underwater and they’re your last chance at air!? You may be experiencing what psychologists have come to call “limerence,” and it’s one of the toughest spots to be in as an anxious attacher.

What is Limerence?

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov was a researcher trying to understand the nature of romantic love. She first coined the term “limerence” in the 1960’s to describe the kind of crush that takes over your life. It’s a debilitatingly intense romantic love that includes passion and infatuation, but also obsessive elements, along with “lovesickness.”

Let me put it a little more simply:

A crush makes you feel amazing!

Limerence makes you feel like you’re on a rollercoaster you can’t get off of.

On this rollercoaster, sometimes you’re UP! When you’re around them, they’re paying attention to you, sending messages and making plans and getting physical, for example. Life is not just great, but rather you feel untouchable and on top of cloud 9.

And other times? You’re DOWN. And, by this, I don’t mean that you’re feeling a little blue because you’re missing the apple of your eye. Instead, you’re at home having intrusive thoughts about where they are, what they’re doing, and whether or not the connection is real, or wondering if they’re thinking about you. And this happens all day long.

Is it love… or limerence?

Love is what we’re all shooting for. This is a gradual, building relationship that both people are contributing to and creating. Both people are able to function (well enough, anyway!) in their daily lives in spite of the new connection, and the feelings around the connection are generally positive.

On the other hand, limerence is a love that looks and feels almost like an addiction. You feel HOOKED on the apple of your eye. You might even be hyper-aware of your “love object” as they move through the world in and out of your space. They may be unobtainable or inappropriate for you to be with. American Psychologist Stanton Peele even described it as a “severe emotional disability”...!

Tennov says that limerence isn’t a mental illness, but that 32% of people who had experienced it found it “so distressing that it was hard to enjoy life”. Many respondents also reported thinking about their love object over 85% of their waking hours…!

Limerence is the kind of love that makes you worry that you’re acting a little bit… crazy. It motivates you to send 15 texts in a row, drive past their house, and desperately claw for confirmation that they’re feeling the same thing you are. We’ve got intermittent reinforcement (sometimes they’re close, sometimes they pull away) keeping you hooked and confused, and your favorite person so high on a pedestal that the air is getting thin!

Limerence is normal, relatively common, and can often be found hand-in-hand with self-esteem struggles and anxious attachment.

If this is all sounding a little bit too familiar, the next question is obvious.

How do we get out of it!?

Why Anxious Attachers Tend Toward This…And What To Do!

Before we look at the solution, let’s dig into why being anxious in love can make you prone to limerence.

We can be obsessive. At the core of anxious attachment is a deep fear of abandonment. One of the tools that us anxious hearts use to keep people close to us is obsessive, highly-vigilant monitoring to keep them close. For better or worse, anxious brains are primed to notice distance or warning signs of abandonment and spring into action to prevent it.

We pick emotionally unavailable partners. Because of this preference, the folks we pursue act hot and cold. This intermittent reinforcement is the most addictive kind of feedback that a brain can get! Making deliberate choices to select partners who can give us more consistent affection and feedback can help break that cycle.

We fall for the DREAM, not the person. Another crucial driving component is the fact that in anxious attachment, we tend to get hooked on the IDEA of a person, rather than the real, complex, flawed human being that they are. The story that we tell ourselves about how wonderful and attractive they are is really more about OURSELVES than it is about them…! It can help to take an inventory of the whole person. What about them don’t you like? What doesn’t work for you? Making your view of them more balanced and less of a fairy-tale can really ground you!

Find your tribe. In anxious attachment and limerence, we tend to isolate due to our ruthless pursuit of a single person. It goes without saying that this is a lonely state to live in! But having many different sources of safety and security can help you realize that affection and comfort can be available from many different sources. (Not to mention, it’s also a lot less stressful when that’s the case!)

In summary, to stop limerence in its tracks, we must recognize that obsession is not the same as love, be mindful about choosing people who are available and consistent, be realistic about other people’s good and bad qualities, and build a support system of individuals outside of our romantic relationship.

It’s only when we gather the tools of secure love that we can get off that rollercoaster!

But, you don’t need to figure this out on your own!

In fact, you’re in the right place, because helping people become securely attached is exactly what I do. Let me point you toward my most popular, 15-minute seminar that teaches you the 4 essential elements to healing the root fears and insecurity of anxious attachment. It’s called “From Anxious to Secure” and goes more in-depth for real, lasting change.

Get access here.

Find Common Ground with a Supportive Community: Join The Secure Self Club

If your anxious attachment is keeping you up at night, the Secure Self Club can help. We will help you go from anxiously attached to secure in just 4 months, or you don’t pay! You’ll walk away with clarity on what your next step should be, no matter what. So if you want to stop dating the avoidant, become secure, and actually enjoy your love life, book a free call with us to learn how. You’ll be glad you did.

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