It’s uncanny. Every time you find someone new and fall in love, they turn out to be a distant, allergic to love, commitment-phobic avoidant attacher. What are the chances!? You’re either really unlucky, or you somehow have a knack for picking avoidants, right?

Well, maybe not.

It might feel like a run of bad luck or a case of having a broken “picker” but there could be something else at play here.

It’s possible that you are creating avoidance in other people.

And when I say you, I don’t mean that you have some curse or magic ability to turn people off. What I’m referring to is your behavior.

When we approach love and intimacy from an anxious place, it flavors all of our interactions. We might call or text so much that it gets a little overwhelming. We might always need to be in close physical proximity to the object of our affection; so much so that it starts to feel a little bit… suffocating. Our requests for intimacy might be sprinkled with criticism about how they’re currently showing up in the relationship.

We might even feel like we need 24/7 care and contact in order to feel like someone actually cares about us.

When I say it like this, it can seem very obvious that this sort of behavior might push someone away. But when you’re living it--when this is what love actually feels like for you--it can be a lot harder to see things from your partner’s perspective.

This is usually the point when people start consuming internet content that tells them, “There’s nothing wrong with wanting love!” OR “Stop dating avoidants!”

What those folks are missing is the fact that the common denominator in all of their troubled relationships is, well… them!

And rather than being depressing, this means that we have a lot of power to change the way that we’re showing up in relationships so that other people stop running away!

But first, let’s take a look at some of the classic anxious attachment behaviors that can make other people LOOK like avoidants… even if they’re not.

Anxious attachers often try to lock down a relationship well before their partner is ready.

Back when I was dating, it only took me a date or two before I would decide that I wanted to be in a relationship with someone. And while music lyrics and movies make that sentence sound decisive and romantic, the truth of the matter was that I was making that decision before I really knew my date as a person.

One or two dates is plenty in order to decide that you’d like to continue seeing someone. It’s also normal to feel a LOT of interest and excitement about someone after only a date or two.

But to decide that you want commitment, or start mentally planning your future together, or to try to demand exclusivity from someone you hardly know…? Well, that would freak just about anyone out, avoidant or not.

In security, most people want to get to know someone fairly well before they decide on an increased level of commitment. So, you know your tendency to lock it down fast and recklessly? Yeah. That’s gonna push people away no matter what their attachment style!

Anxious attachers use criticism instead of requests for intimacy.

Anxiety in love makes us feel like everything is an emergency. It also makes us hyperfocus on what we aren’t getting and maybe a little bit blind to the love and affection that does come our way. Because of this, anxious folks are more likely to accuse their partners of being bad at love instead of making requests for what they’re needing.

This sounds like: “You never want to spend any time with me!” (An accusation that speaks to the panic and desperation of the need, and feels SURE to move their partner to change their ways… right? RIGHT!?)

The secure way would sound more like this: “I’ve been feeling lonely lately. Can we schedule some one-on-one time?” This request is a lot more likely to move a partner to WANT to come closer.

Accusations are just another sneaky way that our anxious attachment can make anyone look like a distant, avoidant attacher.

Anxious attachers might need constant reassurance that their partner cares.

Of course, it’s perfectly normal to ask a partner if they care about you. Needing reassurance about their feelings isn’t something that only anxious folks ask for!

But what if you’re asking your partner this question every single day? What if you never seem to believe them no matter how many times they say that they love you? What if you feel a nagging suspicion that they’re about to leave even as they’re reassuring you of their love?

Yep, you guessed it. An excessive need for reassurance is the kind of behavior that’s going to drive any person away, no matter what their attachment style is.

In security, someone will still make the occasional request for reassurance of their partner’s love. The difference is that the reassurance actually makes them feel better! Their worries are seldom and also short-lived. They are easy to reassure and this significantly lightens the load on their partner.

But us anxious folks? Well, our need for reassurance can get pretty darn heavy after awhile…

The common denominator in all of your troubled relationships is you.

Listen, I’m really not trying to victim-shame here! In fact, the reason that I care about this topic so much is because I used to be INCREDIBLY anxiously attached when it came to love. I would double, triple, quadruple text. I was a bottomless bit of need asking for constant reassurance that my partner was still interested and still in love. At first I chalked it all up to bad luck. And it took me a really long time but eventually I realized:

"Maybe everyone was running away because of something I was doing?"

When we’re stuck pointing the finger at everyone else, we might be ignorant of our own contribution to a troubled dynamic. After all, any relationship dynamic takes two!

Realizing that our behavior might be creating avoidance in others is the key to change. When we can look critically and thoughtfully at our own part of the dynamic, we can literally change it for the better. I know because I’ve done it for myself and I’ve helped hundreds of anxious folks change for the better, too.

What if I need help getting there!?

Most people DO need help seeing how they contribute to an anxious + avoidant dynamic. But you’re in the right place, because that’s exactly what I do. Sign up for the “Breaking the Cycle Workshop” and learn the exact framework to stop sabotaging your connection with a distant, avoidant partner and start building connection instead.

Get access to the workshop here.

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