Do you ever find yourself saying to your partner:

“If you’d just text me back quicker, we’d be fine!”
“I just think we need to spend more time together.”
“If you’d tell me you love me more often, I wouldn’t worry.”

There’s something kinda wild that your significant others knows that you might not realize: These requests probably aren’t going to make you feel better about the relationship.

THAT’S the reason they’re hesitant to give you what you’re asking for. You see, in the past, they may have already tried to give you the closeness that you asked for, only to find thatit “didn’t work.”

That’s why they’ve stopped trying.

As a therapist and relationship coach, I hear these complaints in my office all the time. My clients are utterly convinced that if their partner would just send the text, make the call, or schedule the date night, they could finally stop feeling anxious in the relationship.

But just in case you don’t believe them, maybe you’ll believe me:
More often than not, these behaviors DON’T make my clients feel any more confident in their loving relationship.

Crazy, isn’t it? I know it’s hard to believe. That flood of relief that you feel when your sweetie calls or texts has GOT to be the answer to all of the anxiety and lack of certainty that keeps you up at night.

Well, not necessarily. But don’t worry, I’ve got a lot to say about that. (And I also have some ideas on what WILL scratch that itch!)

Let’s dive into the feeling and fear behind the requests, why you still feel awful when you get the closeness you’re asking for, and what to ask for instead.

Why do we want constant closeness!?

If your nervous system is anxious in love, proximity to the person you love equals safety. You’re on high alert all the time, monitoring how close (or far away!) they are, because closeness = safety. When you have their physical presence, their text message, their voice in your ear, or their attention, your brain feels calm and peaceful.

But, of course, the moment they disappear, all that safety vanishes.

Because of that, we might try to make ourselves EXTRA available (just in case they call!) or monitor where they go (just in case they get too close to their ex’s house!) or text them nonstop…

Because, surely, the solution is just to keep them close and in contact at all times, right?

Hopefully you know that the last sentence isn’t serious. In fact, it’s completely unrealistic to keep our partner close to us or in contact at all times. Not only is it unrealistic, it’s actually totally unhealthy even if it WERE possible!

An anxious brain feels like the bond is eroding (or just unsteady) when you can’t see, feel, or hear your partner. This is the crux of insecure attachment, in fact! In security, we can thrive when our partners are away, but in insecurity we feel we have to keep them close for love to survive.

Chasing constant closeness FEELS like the solution, but it’s really a house of cards. If your calm evaporates the moment your loved one leaves your side, your only choice is to handcuff them to you so that you never have to feel anxiety…

Surely, that’s not what you want for your partner or yourself.

Maintaining constant closeness is not love, it’s a control tactic. And you know what people do when they feel controlled? They run away. No wonder your attempts have been backfiring…

What you REALLY need instead…

Ok, if you haven’t heard this before, the next sentence just might blow your mind.

You don’t need CONSTANT contact to feel safe in love, you need CONSISTENT contact.

Think about it. Consistency and predictability is one of the best antidotes to anxiety. When we’re faced with the unknown, our nervous brains make up all kinds of explanations and ideas about what might be coming. It’s trying to keep us safe, of course, but it often jumps to the worst-case scenario.

Our relationship isn’t so different!

When we have no idea when our partner is going to contact us or see us again, our anxious brain might cook up a worst-case scenario of its own. This might look like them losing interest, a breakup, or even falling into their ex’s arms…!

Thankfully, inserting some predictability into your relationship isn’t tough at all.

My wife Elise and I have regular date nights. These are scheduled, on the calendar, and something that we can both look forward to--even with a busy home life that sometimes distracts us from our relationship.

My friend Rikki (a relationship writer and coach) says that she and her husband agreed early on that they’d call each other every morning and every night; no matter what. They work away from each other a lot, and the “good morning” and “good night” phone calls are a comforting touchstone that help them feel connected even when they’re frequently far apart.

I’ve also heard of couples having a lot of success with weekly “state of the partnership” meetings where they open up the floor to discuss what’s working, what’s not, and what they both need.

Of course, it might not feel so simple for you and your relationship.

A lot of partners struggle to ask for these regular check-ins so that they can release their grip on needing constant contact. You might feel some shame about that, but there’s no need to. I work with people every day on the many, MANY tools that help us feel less anxious in love, and more able to let your partner feel free and excited to love you.

If this sounds like something you’d like help with, you’re in the right place. My Secure Self Club helps people go from anxiously attached to secure in just 4 months, or you don’t pay! You’ll walk away with clarity on what your next step should be, no matter what.

So if you want to stop falling for bad relationship advice, become secure, and actually enjoy your love life, book a free call with us to learn how. Our community and relationship coaches are full of the kind of advice that makes your relationship feel BETTER, not worse.

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