You want closeness, they want space. If this has been your pattern in love, this is a dynamic you know all too well. When the going gets tough, you tend to draw closer to the object of your affection. (Even if it IS a little bit too close!) But your partner? They tend to pull away and disappear. It might feel like the two of you are total, complete opposites.

Sometimes it feels like we’re the healthy ones who just want love and affection, and our PARTNER is the problem because they don’t seem to want that at all!

But what if I told you that you both are actually two sides of the same coin?

It’s true. The anxious partner and the avoidant partner both struggle with ‘insecure attachment,’ meaning that our ways of dealing with intimacy and relationship troubles don’t work so well. Both the anxious and the avoidant partner struggle to build healthy relationships because of our troublesome habits, thoughts, and strategies in love.

That’s right. The anxious and avoidant aren’t opposites at all.

In fact, they are both sitting together on the opposite end of a spectrum of security. So what’s the opposite of anxious and avoidant? That would be the ‘securely attached,’ or folks who experience intimacy as safe and easy.

When my friend, relationship writer Rikki Cloos, discovered that anxious and avoidant are both struggling with intimacy -- but coping with it in different ways -- it felt like a game-changer for her. She had been busily working on her anxious attachment for years when she fell for a guy who was as avoidant as could be. Learning that they BOTH had work to do around feeling safe and comfortable with love softened her heart and gave her hope for their relationship.

“It helped me to stop viewing him as ‘the problem’ and start asking, “what can we both do differently?” She said. “It really helped me see it as an US problem… not just a problem with him.”

So what to do? Education is a great first step! Let’s talk about a few things that both sides are afraid of!

Both the anxious and avoidant partner are afraid of abandonment.

You probably know why you cling, call too much, and do everything you can to solve fights quickly; you’re terrified of being abandoned! Being left alone is the worst thing you can think of, so you do everything in your power to hold on tight.

And although you may not realize it, your distant partner is struggling with the same fear.

(They just have a different way of coping with that fear!)

For the distant, avoidant partner, clinging and trying extra hard aren’t their way of protecting themselves against abandonment… distance is!

They might think: “I don’t really care if they leave me because I prefer to be alone anyway.” However, deep down, they have the same needs and capacity for love and closeness that everyone else does.

Both the anxious and avoidant are afraid of rejection.

No one wants to hear that their feelings aren’t reciprocated… least of all, the insecurely attached.

Of course, rejection is hard on secure folks, too! But they tend to bounce back more quickly, confident that they are a good person who will find love again, even if their heart hurts right now.

But for anxious and avoidant partners it’s a different story. Both the anxious and avoidant let their insecurity tell them that rejection means they aren’t worthy of ANYONE’S love.

That kind of pain will motivate the anxious to CLING and the avoidant to RUN; all in the name of avoiding some very strong pain!

Both the anxious and avoidant worry about being good enough for their partner.

If you are anxious in love, you know that your fear of ‘not being good enough’ will lead you to try try try. Over and over, you work yourself to the bone to prove to others why they should love you.

The avoidant partner is also worried about being good enough. But their tactics are quite different! Instead of trying too hard, they refuse to try!

They put up walls and tell themselves that they don’t care. Because if they can convince themselves that they don’t want to be ‘good enough,’ then they’ll never have to feel the pain of falling short!

But again, these aren’t opposites. BOTH are deeply afraid of not measuring up. It’s just that one person tries way too hard, and the other one gives up before the trying begins.

(The opposite of this, by the way, is feeling good enough for love whether someone CHOOSES you or not!)

Okay, I believe you. Anxious and avoidant BOTH have work to do. Now what?

With a greater level of understanding and compassion for our partner’s fear, we won’t feel so activated when they pull away. That changes EVERYTHING. With the crippling fear gone, we can choose healthier responses to their pulling away. And the best part of this is that our healthier response to their pulling away actually encourages them to COME CLOSER.

Then, instead of texting them 13 times in a row, you take a pause.

From here, it can help to say out loud to yourself: “They’re pulling away because they’re afraid, not because I’m not worthy of love.” Deep breaths, journal out the panic if you need to, and then from that calm place, you’re more able to CHOOSE the way that you want to respond.

Imagine yourself calmly reaching out from a place of understanding and empathy instead of desperation and panic. It’s possible, I promise!

What if I need help getting there!?

Remember, you aren’t opposites -- you’re just two people caught in the same cycle. Sign up for the “Breaking the Cycle Workshop” and learn the exact framework to stop sabotaging your connection with a distant, avoidant partner and start building connection.

Get access to the workshop here.

Join my email list for periodic tools on liberating anxious patterns from the inside out - delivered right to your inbox! JOIN HERE