You know your significant other better than anyone else, right? That feeling that you know them so well might trick you into thinking that you always know what they mean when they say or do frustrating things…

But you might be surprised by what they’re really saying underneath their words and behaviors.

Of course, sometimes when they pick a fight, they might just be in a bad mood. But other times, they might be feeling desperate for connection and picking a fight feels like the only way they can get your attention.

And sometimes, when they dismiss your complaint, they might simply not understand why the issue is so important to you. But other times, it’s because they’re feeling blamed and ashamed and this dismissal is how they avoid feeling “not good enough”...

Of course, you aren’t a mind-reader! How are you supposed to know what they’re REALLY thinking underneath all the frustrating things they do and say?

This month, we’re going to take a peek into some common relationship behavior that frustrates and disconnects couples, why it happens, and what we can do instead.

Problem #1: When you try to bring up an issue, they shut you down or get defensive…

An issue has become too big for you to stay silent about any longer, so you summon the courage to speak up to your partner. Like clockwork, they deny, run away, or shut down your concerns mid-sentence. It feels like they don’t care about your feelings at all! But what’s really going on when they say: “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

Sometimes the problem lies somewhere within them. Perhaps they had a very critical parent who was always telling them they weren’t good enough? Or shutting them down when they tried to bring up an issue? Or maybe that critical voice comes from inside and they’re extra hard on themselves so they can’t handle the idea that they might be disappointing YOU, too…

So to protect their heart, they try to shut down perceived criticism right out of the gate.

And we don’t always realize it, but sometimes we’re part of the problem, too! We might think that we’re approaching them calmly and expressing our needs kindly and rationally, but our words come out like, “You’re never there when I need you!” or “I’m so disappointed in how you…”

This isn’t an issue with a quick and easy solution, but the path out begins with a good conversation during a time when you both are feeling calm. A simple question might help you both understand: “How would you rate us on discussing big issues?”

You might team-work some ideas on how to bring up tough stuff. Maybe read a Gottman book together, or even opt to visit a couples therapist or coach?

Chances are, it’s less likely that they don’t care about your feelings, and more likely that they’re feeling overwhelmed by theirs…

Problem #2: They tell you that what’s bothering you is “crazy”...

Your concerns might seem irrational to someone who isn’t bothered by those things.

What’s really going on when they say: “That’s crazy. You’re making a big deal out of nothing!”

Instead of sitting down and listening to your concerns, they try to tell you that you’re imagining a problem or making it up to start a fight.

I don’t have to tell you that this really hurts!

So what’s going on underneath this impulse to deny the problems you bring up? Well, it can feel a lot safer for your partner to dismiss your concerns as being “crazy” or “irrational” so that they don’t have to face the fear of something being wrong.

The answer here is to stop talking about whether or not feelings are wrong or right and to accept that both partners are going to have different things that bother them.

When you can decide together: “If it bothers one of us, it matters to us both.” Then the solution can come from addressing how each person FEELS, rather than trying to argue about whether or not those feelings are right.

Problem #3: They go silent when there’s a problem…

Tensions have been high all day after that big argument, and your partner goes radio-silent once again… It seems like every time an issue comes up, their volume goes all the way down!

To make matters worse, you might feel sure that this is punishment for bringing up the issue in the first place. It might even feel like the solution is to keep your mouth shut.

So what’s really going on when they say: “...”
(See what I did there? They aren’t saying anything and we desperately wish they would!)

Rather than trying to read their mind and decide that their silence is an evil plot to make you feel miserable or crazy, let’s try getting curious. We might reflect back on our tone: did I come in hot with criticism, a loud voice, or an accusation? We might also ask them directly: “Hey, babe, I noticed you got really quiet after that argument. The story I was telling myself was that you got quiet to punish me, but I have a feeling it might be something else.”

You might be really surprised at what they say! (They might think their silence helps keep them from saying something to make the situation worse!)

Why does the more closed-off partner do and say this stuff?

With an avoidant attachment, your partner might feel that silence and hiding is their best bet in order to keep the relationship from crumbling. They don’t trust closeness OR their own words to help repair when things get sticky… only silence and time.

Growing up, they found protection and safety within themselves… not in connection. So when the stuff hits the fan, the more distant, avoidant partner retreats, denies, or hides in order to “save the relationship.”

Frustrating, sure! But I bet you had no idea that a fear of losing you might be the reason behind their silence.

OK, if they really feel this way, why don’t they just TELL ME!?

Sometimes (heck, maybe most of the time) our partners have no conscious idea why they do the things that they do. In fact, most people are really just operating on autopilot and behaving in ways that kept them safe as a kid. Sure, these ways don’t always work well or translate into healthy relationships as adults! But often, they’re the only tools we’ve got.

I’m delighted to tell you that there are a LOT more tools out there for figuring out what your partner really means underneath their frustrating behavior…

And mind-reading isn’t one of them. ;-)

The secret sauce here is in learning more about our attachment styles, and practicing communicating with curiosity and empathy.

Relationship coach Brynne Kessler, MFT writes:

“Silence breeds assumptions—speak your truth before it causes issues and potentially turns into resentment.”

When both partners can practice asking each other directly instead of assuming, and speaking up instead of staying silent, the truth will start to slowly shine through the cracks in your relationship.

Were these helpful?

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