This might not sound very romantic, but rules or guidelines for how to engage when things get tough can be the difference between a bitter breakup, and happily ever after…

Of course, most couples are just winging it. They don’t have any rules of engagement. Conflict or fights pop up, and they desperately try to swat them down like relationship-whack-a-mole… and how is that working out?

Ok, not good. But Trevor, what do I do instead!?

Let’s talk about some rules that can help keep your relationship safe when conflict arises (and trust me, it will from time to time!)

Rule #1: We don’t disappear when things get hard.

If one partner needs to take a little bit of space when things get heated, that makes sense! In fact, it can be a really good way to diffuse a fight before it gets out of control. But a great rule in a romantic relationship is to commit to solving problems rather than running from them.

It’s okay to take a breather to calm down, but we don’t disappear on our partner and sweep issues under the rug, hoping that things will be better when we return.

Instead of disappearing, we show up. This means that when we’re calm, we sit down ready to be there for our partner as part of a problem-solving team.

Not sure how to do that? Just strap your thinking cap on and march to the table ready to talk. Your first line might sound something like: “I’m here to talk this through. Even if I’m not sure what I’m doing! Because this relationship is really important to me.”

Rule #2: We don’t guess at needs, we speak up about them.

You may have heard someone say that it’s romantic for a partner to “just know” what you need. And to that, I say: Is it romantic, or is it unrealistic? None of us are mind readers. The idea that we’ll just always know what the other person needs is kind of setting your relationship up for disaster.

What if instead of expecting everyone to develop special mind-reading powers, we made it normal and easy for both people to talk openly about what we need? That’s where Rule #2 comes in. No more guessing.

Normalize sitting down with each other regularly and asking each other: “What do you need? And what can I do to give you more of that?”

Rule #3: We tell each other when we need space (and when we’re coming back!)

If you’ve chosen to be in a relationship, you owe your partner certain respects. One of those is to give them a heads-up instead of vanishing into thin air. And along with that, you also let them know when you’ll be back. This doesn’t have to be exact or to-the-minute. A rough estimate will do! Either way, it’s incredibly kind and respectful to make sure that your partner is in the loop about your comings and goings.

Rather than making your partner track you down, this sounds like a respectful head’s up:

“Hey babe! I’m going out this evening with my brother to shoot some hoops. Love you, and I’ll see you around seven.”

Rule #4: We don’t compete for who is right/wrong.

One of the best things that you can do for your relationship is decide that you’re both on a team. Within a team, we don’t try to elevate one partner above the other. It’s all for one and one for all! Competition, or trying to prove each other wrong, undermines your connection. (And yes, it still hurts your connection even if you really ARE right…)

Instead of playing “who’s the bad guy,” the healthiest couples prioritize the team and seek to understand each other. Rather than trying to prove their point, the best partners will try to understand where their partner is coming from.

This sounds like: “It sounds like we see it differently. Can you tell me a little more about what that’s like for you?”

Rule #5: We don’t prioritize comfort over truth.

It’s all-too-easy to tell a little white lie to avoid a tough conversation. And undoubtedly, it’s a LOT more comfortable in the short term. But comfort never brought anyone closer. And couples who prioritize comfort are usually just delaying an inevitable fight…

The best couples, on the other hand, are speaking the truth; even when it’s hard.

This sounds like: “It’s not easy for me to say this, but…”

Or, “You know I love you so much! That’s why it’s important for me to tell you…”

The magic happens when couples stop avoiding the tough talks, and start getting REAL with each other.

Relationship writer Rikki Cloos said it best when she said:

“I want to talk about things even when they’re tough to discuss. Maybe especially then!”

Because truly, the bonds of a relationship are made the strongest during those tough talks. Anyone can show up when it’s easy and light. It’s partners who can show up for each other during difficult times and conversations who stand the test of time.

Were these helpful?

If so, there’s a lot more where that came from! If you missed our live Secure Love Summit last month (featuring 10 of the world’s leading relationship experts — including Mark Groves, Rikki Cloos, Jimmy Knowles, and more) — you can still catch the replay!

Whether you're single and seeking a secure relationship or already partnered and looking to deepen connection, this live summit will give you the tools, guidance, and proven strategies to:

• Navigate conflict without spiraling

• Build emotional safety and trust

• Heal from relational trauma and anxious patterns

• Understand your nervous system and triggers

• Cultivate a truly secure attachment

• Rebuild love after trust has been broken

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