It might feel like you keep running into the exact same people over and over. They come on strong, but as soon as you reciprocate… poof! They vanish into thin air. They’re noncommittal, secretive, and overprotective of their heart and time.

And for some reason, you can’t seem to keep your hands off of them!?

If this is you, I’ve got good news. You don’t have to “fully heal” that anxious heart of yours in order to keep the commitment-phobics at bay.

In fact, there are a few really good boundaries that will help. Now, that doesn’t mean that you won’t feel attracted to them anymore. Yep, I hate to say it, but they’ll probably still be drawing you in like a moth to the flame. (That’s where working on your anxious attachment comes in handy!) But if you’re not quite there yet, let me give you some tips and tricks to keep yourself out of a full-blown romantic entanglement with someone who isn’t ready for it.

1. Stop giving someone relationship-level access when they give casual effort.

Picture this, if you will. They never take you out (or accept your invitations). When holidays or birthdays come around, they disappear because they don’t want the pressure of gift-giving. When life gets tough, and you reach out, they don’t pick up their phone. They seem super distant when you’re talking to them. They don’t remember the things you tell them. They don’t want to meet your friends… (Whew! My heart rate is spiking just from typing these!)

And yet, you’re still trying to call this person your girlfriend/boyfriend.

If you’re truly the only one putting in effort, it doesn’t really make sense to give them access to your free-time, your personal information, your body, and your heart.

Those things should be reserved for the kind of person who remembers your favorite things, makes you soup when you’re sick, loves going on adventures with you, and is generally enthusiastic about earning the coveted role of your significant other.

Because even though you really, really, really want them to be your sweetie, if their effort shows you that they aren’t fit for the job, you probably shouldn’t be trying to slap that title on them.

This is the kind of boundary advice that you’d give ANY of your closest friends:

“I reserve relationship-level access only for people who enthusiastically want the role.”

2. Stop solving the problems that they aren’t willing to solve themselves.

When you’re anxious in love, you’re pretty much on the hunt for anything that will make you valuable to them. There’s no problem too big, no challenge too tough to take on, and everything about them is suddenly your business.

Except… it’s not.

If they’re exceptionally bad at returning texts, that doesn’t mean it’s your job to coach them on how to communicate better. If they’re afraid of love, it doesn’t mean that you have to transform into their therapist, guiding them out of their fear. If they are dodgy, rude, flaky, or just plain don’t know how to show up as half of a loving relationship…

These aren’t your problems to solve. Especially if they aren’t willing to put any effort into solving this themselves.

This is a particularly sticky trap for those of us who are anxious in love because we LOVE to help! We’re naturally giving, eager, and willing to put in 110%, even when others are barely lifting a finger.

Unfortunately, this is one of the traps that keeps you stuck in relationships with folks who aren’t returning your love. That brings us to the second boundary that your heart would be wise to learn. Say it with me: “In love, I only help those who are actively working on the issue themselves.”

That way, you can be sure that you aren’t forcing change on someone who has no interest in changing.

3. Don’t stick around for inconsistency, mixed signals, and emotional unavailability.

You know how you tend to see all of the red flags, but you still stand around waiting for them? Yeah, you’ve got to stop doing that!

When you stay with someone who treats you poorly (or simply appears unfit for healthy love), you’re proving to yourself every day that those things don’t matter to you.

And we both know that isn’t true. Those things matter to you a lot!

Our third boundary: “I refuse to stay with someone who shows me they aren’t ready for healthy love.”

4. Stop holding in your feelings (and stop apologizing for having them!)

There’s another thing you do that’s drawing in the emotionally unavailable: you’ve got a bad habit of hiding or apologizing for your feelings.

In healthy love, secure folks express their feelings without shame.

First, their feelings take up room in the relationship. This includes anger, frustration, and sadness, too. This thankfully repels the emotionally unavailable folks because they aren’t skilled or comfortable being around other people’s feelings in the first place.

And second, they aren’t ashamed for feeling or expressing how they feel.

Here’s our next boundary: “I only date people who are willing to hold space for my emotions.”

5. Stop abandoning yourself to keep someone in your life.

If you’re kind of a chameleon and you change into exactly who you think your sweetie wants you to be, that’s not love, it’s self-abandonment. And if you want someone secure, or open to healthy love, you’ve got to learn how to be true to yourself in love.

Getting solid on who you are, what you value, and what you aren’t willing to throw away for other people is the way. It’s not easy, but it absolutely can be done with guidance and practice.

Repeat after me: “I will stay true to myself, even when I fall in love.”

Wait, I need some help with these boundaries…!

Those boundaries above? I said they were good, not easy!

Thankfully, Trevor and his team help anxious lovers every single day with these. Trevor has a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, and his coaching helps clients with personal development in their relationships.

Whether you're single and seeking a secure relationship or already partnered and looking to be more YOU in your relationship, our community will give you tools, guidance, and proven strategies to:

• Navigate conflict without spiraling

• Build emotional safety and trust

• Process emotional experiences and anxious patterns

• Understand your nervous system and stress triggers

• Cultivate a truly secure attachment

• Rebuild love after trust has been broken

None of these boundaries will work if you don’t have the confidence or security to uphold them.

In fact, we can even do damage to our most treasured relationships by being wishy-washy with our boundaries and going back and forth on them!

If you need help gaining the strength and fortitude to be able to set and hold strong to boundaries like these, the Secure Self Club can help. We will help you go from anxiously attached to secure in just 4 months, or you don’t pay! Book a call with us to learn more. You’ll walk away with clarity on what your next step should be, no matter what. So if you want to stop dating the avoidant, become secure, and actually enjoy your love life, book a free call. You’ll be glad you did.

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