One of the toughest parts of relationship anxiety is knowing whether or not the things we’re afraid of are real. Can I trust that this awful feeling in my stomach is something I should act on, or am I making mountains out of mole-hills and pushing a good partner away…!?

Regardless of whether or not the problem is worth stressing over, it still feels awful. And not being able to trust yourself feels even worse!

You may even find yourself asking:

“Who’s the problem here!? Is it them? Or… me?”

Of course, there’s nuance. It’s not usually ALL one person or the other, but the combination of you both that contribute to relationship struggles that leave one partner feeling like they’re standing on shaky ground. But sometimes, we contribute to our relationship struggles in ways that we’re not even aware of!

And when that happens, you just might be pushing away someone who has the potential to be a really great romantic partner for you! When we operate on auto-pilot, without pausing to understand our thoughts and behavior, we can do and say things we regret.

But first, let’s take a peek at where all this relationship anxiety came from in the first place.

Are YOU the problem!? The Anatomy of an Anxious Attacher

So what does an anxious attacher look like?

Anxious attachment is a survival response. It’s partly nature (some of us are born with more nervous dispositions!) and partly nurture (we had parents who were intermittently responsive to our needs, or poorly matched to our personality.) Basically, if you’re anxious in romantic relationships, this isn’t your fault or something you should feel ashamed of.

It’s the tendency to feel panicky or like you need to monitor your romantic connection even when nothing is really seriously wrong.

From the outside, it might look to others like we’re constantly overreacting.

• Your partner works a lot? You’re sure that they’re actually cheating.

• Your partner hasn’t texted back? They’re obviously planning on how to break up with you.

• Your partner wants to hang out with their friends instead of you? Clearly they hate you…

• They didn’t answer your call? You’d better leave them 13 texts…

(These responses are called protest behavior, and they’re meant to draw a partner closer when the threat of abandonment looms!)

The threat of abandonment may feel all-too-real to you, but to others it seems like you’re constantly on edge about things that can be easily explained.

And we may not be able to see that this behavior is a big problem! We might think we’re responding rationally to warning-sign behavior.

We might say:

“I wouldn’t need to act like this if you would just treat me right!”

This is classic anxious attachment in action. We feel a clear, constant threat that we need to act on immediately or else! Meanwhile, our friends, family, and maybe even our PARTNER are scratching their heads.

Are THEY the problem? / The Anatomy of a Distant Partner

It’s also possible that your anxiety is a rational response to a partner who is pulling away, acting shady, or being emotionally immature.

• Your partner works a lot and tells you you’re being needy when you express loneliness.

• Your partner failed to text you back again (and usually never does!)

• Your partner wants to hang out with their friends instead of you… every weekend.

• They get defensive as soon as you bring up your worries and shut the conversation down.

If you’re wondering why this upsets you, but your friends and family are enthusiastically on your side, it might be that your partner is fanning your anxious flames.

If their behavior would quite literally upset anyone who tried to be in a romantic relationship with them, it’s no wonder you feel like such a mess! When a romantic partner is inconsistent, unpredictable, and dismissive about our concerns and expressions of need, it creates anxiety and stress on the other side.

The good news is that the solutions (whether you’re anxiously attached or not) are pretty similar! There’s a ton that you can do whether YOU or YOUR PARTNER are primarily the ones causing all the turmoil.

And even more good news: what I’m going to tell you next has nothing to do with forcing your partner to do something they don’t want to do...

The Solution / The TEMPO Cycle

What’s missing from both of the previous scenarios is self-trust.

There’s a lack of trust in our worthiness as a partner; the belief that we’re not really lovable as we are and that we need to try really, really hard to convince someone that we are valuable.

There’s also a lack of trust in our own internal signals and perception. That means that when we get those uneasy feelings down in our gut, we know that it’s uncomfortable, but we’re not sure whether or not we can trust it. Is this a real threat, or am I making a bigger deal than I should?

So that’s the alternative!?

The first step to being able to change our reaction to upsetting events in our relationship is understanding why we respond that way in the first place. Then, we can choose the response that we feel good about. One great way to do that is with the TEMPO Cycle.

The TEMPO cycle invite us to look at the Trigger, the Emotional response, the Meaning we create, the ways that we try to Protect ourselves from that feeling or specific situation, and the typical Outcome this creates.

This helps us find our way out of the weeds. Instead of trying to sort out who the problem is, we can more clearly see our typical response and pick a response that works better for us and the relationship.

Want to Learn More about the TEMPO Cycle?

If this sounds intriguing, you’ll want to download my FREE Fearless Love E-book that teaches you exactly what you need to do to start becoming that secure, confident YOU that you’ve always dreamed of.

Whether you're single and seeking a secure relationship or already partnered and looking to deepen connection, this free E-book will give you some tools, guidance, and proven strategies to:

• Navigate conflict without spiraling

• Build emotional safety and trust

• Process emotional experiences and anxious patterns

• Understand your nervous system and stress triggers

• Cultivate a truly secure attachment

• Rebuild love after trust has been broken

Were these helpful?

If so, you might enjoy my FREE 15-Minute Seminar teaching you exactly what you need to do to start becoming that secure, confident YOU that you’ve always dreamed of.

Whether you're single and seeking a secure relationship or already partnered and looking to deepen connection, in this free seminar you'll discover:

• The 4 essential elements to overcoming anxious attachment that most people miss.

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• A look at the structured plan I use to help my clients develop a secure attachment.

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• A powerful approach for creating self-trust, confidence, and safety within yourself.

• How to take the next steps in your journey to overcoming anxious attachment.

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